so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize