hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
