I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
