i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
