her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
