I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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