Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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