i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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