You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
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