I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
she pinky promised me she was 18
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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