Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
