eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
