I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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