I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
