I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize