yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
