as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Randomize
