i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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