Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
