why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
