Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize