FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
