Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize