I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
