I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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