Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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