To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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