There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize