no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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