I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize