burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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