Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
