got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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