Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
