my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize