At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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