My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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