my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
