I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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