Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize