using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
