i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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