dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
