got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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