If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
