On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
