you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
