yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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