Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
