i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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