My girlfriend figured out who you are.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
