never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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