shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize