girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
