Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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