what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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