You made me cry and you don't even care
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
