I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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