careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
